Cakes and Snakes
by raks0
Summary: "Sasha, cranky and sleepy had headed for the warmest place… which seemed to be up Tamaki-san's trousers." Slash-ish Rating really is just in case
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer- I do not own either the world of Ouran or Harry Potter

It was a Sunday and Harry and Haruhi had bumped into each other outside their apartment block, Harry back from work and Haruhi from the supermarket sales. Harry had moved into the apartment next door a couple of months ago, and in the interests of being good neighbours Haruhi and Ranka had gone over to introduce themselves. Harry and Haruhi had gotten along smashingly well, Harry was calming presence; a stark contrast to the company she normally kept. It had become a Sunday custom, when Haruhi didn't have host club business on, to sit together and chat over a cup of tea and a slice of cake. Harry's cakes were gorgeous, he always made them with her in mind, not too sweet but soft and moist, and they always incorporated strawberries in some way. Haruhi was afraid of what would happen if Huni-sempai ever tasted one; she had visions of Harry, constantly slaving away at an oven, unable to say no to Huni's pleading expectant eyes. They had only just settled down with tea and cake in Harry's living-room before there was a knock on the door. Puzzled as to who it could be Harry opened the door to six gorgeous men, one of which was panicking quite loudly about kidnappers and his precious daughter.

"Hello, how can I help you?"

The tall blonde was practically prancing about the porch, "My Daughter! Are you the one who has kidnapped my precious daughter! Give her back you fiend, give her back to Daddy!"

Thoroughly confused, Harry was going to deny kidnapping anyone's daughter when Haruhi came to see what the commotion was about.

"Sempai? What are you doing here?"

"Haruhi, are these friends of yours?"

"Haruhi! Are you safe? You must forgive Daddy for leaving his precious daughter alone; from now on I will always be by your side. You don't have to be afraid now Daddy is here!"

"Please don't Tamaki-sempai"

Harry meanwhile was masterfully ignoring this byplay and, inspecting the other five boys standing outside, "You are Haruhi's friends? Well come on in, I think I have enough cake for everyone."

And so they all trouped inside leaving Haruhi to deal with the King at the doorway. Cutting more cake and putting the kettle to boil he introduced himself,

"My name is Potter Harry; you must be the host club. It's a pleasure to finally meet you. Haruhi speaks about you quite often; you all seem to have interesting lives." He ended laughing.

"Oh, our Haruhi talks about us; this is quite odd, for you know about us but we know nothing of you. And what sort of friends would we be to Haruhi if we didn't do a background check on you first?"

"Nice, normal ones."

Haruhi's reply was ignored and the twins carried on with their spiel, leaning towards Harry, completely ignoring the boundaries of personal space. "What are your intentions with Haruhi? Indeed inviting a girl to your apartment where you apparently live alone does not scream innocent-"

"Yes what were the two of you doing here alone in your apartment? If you did anything to my precious daughter... "And here Harry cut in before Tamaki's inner mind theatre could even start,

"I'm gay, and you, Suoh-san, are much more my type, but unfortunately we have company; my nefarious plans will have to wait until we are alone."

Harry grinned as Tamaki burned red, the twins were laughing, clutching onto each other for support while Haruhi, completely unaffected by Harry's bizarre form of teasing placed the cake platter down on the table and served some tea. Harry turned to Huni and served him a slice first. He hoped he would enjoy it especially as Huni loved cakes so much. He needn't have worried, Huni already having finished his cake was already begging Harry to bake him another one; looking into Huni's pleading face Harry could have sworn he saw flowers and heart shapes around him and was only seconds from agreeing to bake Huni a lifetime supply of cakes before he heard a loud commotion behind him. It seemed that the rest of the Host club had decided to explore the small apartment and had discovered his snake tank. Haruhi was exclaiming that it was rude to snoop around without the owner's permission before a loud crash was heard, followed by an even louder yelp from Tamaki.

Harry rushed into his room and saw a soft flick of a tail before it quickly disappeared. Assessing the situation Harry held a smile in as he heard the soft expletives from his snake. It seemed that Tamaki had knocked over Sasha's hibernating tank, and Sasha, cranky and sleepy had headed for the warmest place… which seemed to be up Tamaki-san's trousers.

"Gives new meaning to the phrase, 'snake in your pants' ne Suoh-san?" At this no-one could stop themselves, they all burst out laughing; even Kyouya was failing to restrain his chuckles while Tamaki whimpered standing rigid afraid to move even an inch. Lips still twitching Harry tried to calm the blonde,

"Don't worry she is a very docile snake, she only wanted to find somewhere warm. Sasha was in hibernation so-"

"Eep!"

Harry looked up at Tamaki in surprise before hearing a hissing coming from the trousers; Sasha had warmed and woken up surprisingly fast, having ascertained she was in somebody else trousers had decided to give Harry a little running commentary,

"…He's a little thin but that's not a bad thing, but good lord his trousers are tight. Do you think he wears them like that on purpose? Is he attractive Harry? Do the tight trousers make him look better? And, oh my god, Harry ask him what he does to make his bum as pert and hard as this. I swear he could crack walnuts with these…"

Practically biting his lip through to keep from smiling, Harry, as calm as you please, opened the Suoh heir's trousers, pulled out Sasha wrapped her round his shoulders and zipped him back up.

Tamaki still in shock was lead to the table and a cup of tea guided to his lips as the rest of the host club just flailed in laughter around him. And it was only after the Tamaki had been sufficiently revived and the host club had left and Haruhi had said her goodbye's that Harry felt comfortable enough to collapse in laughter with a hissing snake by his side still describing the gravity defying stunts of the blonde's bum. It was times like this he loved being a parseltongue.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N- Wow a huge thank you to everyone who reviewed my stories, passed the 20 review mark on blond and beautiful! This short little one-shot is for you my wonderful reviewers XD**

Harry breathed in deeply as he stirred the cake batter. This one was going to be a winner for sure; apple and cinnamon cake. Not too sweet but it would be perfect served with clotted cream….hmmm maybe he could make some vanilla cream.

Harry had never been too fond of the heavier desserts. He supposed it had something to do with the fact that that was all they had at Hogwarts. In all his years there he had never seen a fruit salad at the table. When he had asked the kitchen elves why they didn't they had laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. Dobby the cheeky bugger had just placed a bowl of chocolate ice-cream with sprinkles and a bowl of fruit salad in front of him. It was the sprinkles that got Harry. Who could resist sprinkles?

Harry spooned the mixture into a cake tin and put it into the oven. He had been invited to the Fujioka's for Christmas lunch. The Host club had invited themselves over. Well, he was under the impression that Suoh-san had invited himself, the rest had just followed. Haruhi had invited Sasha. Harry didn't want to think too deeply on that.

Sasha, once woken from hibernation was reluctant to go back to sleep, which wouldn't have been a big deal normally if it was a little bit warmer . And so Sasha had taken to wrapping around Harry when he was in the apartment. Harry used to her odd quirks had gotten used to it. The postman, not so much.

On the bright side, the apartment had Sasha's scent all over it. Vermin that normally frequented the block of apartments stayed away; and those that didn't were snapped up faster than M&M's at a weight-watchers meeting.

Harry took the cake out the oven and decorated with clotted cream and cinnamon powder. Not too showy, but smelling delicious. Hopefully everyone would leave space for dessert. Even if they didn't, he knew that with Mitsukuni-san there wouldn't be any waste. How such a little boy could eat so much cake was beyond him. Harry wouldn't have been surprised if sponge and icing had replaced Huni's flesh and blood, and honestly stranger things had happened. In fact that very thing had happened. Hermione had transfigured Ron's arms to cake, a mild compulsion charm and Bob's your uncle. He had gotten to his elbows before he had the presence of mind to run to the hospital wing.

That day Hogwarts learnt, Hermione loves chocolate cake with ice-cream and sprinkles, so don't eat hers.

XXXXXXXX

Upon Harry's arrival Haruhi had relived him of the cake and led him to the table where everyone was currently seated chopsticks poised to snatch the meat out the hot pot the minute it was done. And what a hot pot; apparently all the host club members, barring Haruhi, who of course had made it, had brought something to add to it, and being the high class individuals they were, this was a very special hot pot.

Dinner was a standard fare, the twins invoked chaos, and Huni was sneaking peeks at the cake while Kyouya was watching over everything with his all-seeing eyes. Tamaki however was trying to keep as far away as possible from Haruhi and Harry. Away from Haruhi because she had Sasha winding lazily round her shoulders; and away from Harry because he kept trying to cop a feel. In Harry's defence Tamaki's trousers were incredibly tight, and he had to make sure what he was seeing was real. The deeper, darker, and infinitely dirtier part of Harry's brain noted that this time there was no room for Harry's snake to fit in there, there was barely room for Tamaki's.

In hindsight Harry probably shouldn't have fed Sasha sake because she was a goddamn flirt, Harry should not have had to feel jealous of his pet snake. But there she was slithering all over him because she could (Tamaki was too scared to move, everyone else was too drunk to care). This time Harry was grateful he was the _only_ parseltounge in the room, because the stuff she was spouting would have corrupted Tamaki's innocent mind. Hell, it was corrupting _his_ mind, and he was far from innoc-

"Eep"

"Oh Harry, he's sensitive. Harry, let's have a threesome, you me and Barbie here. I'll point out all his sweet spots; I'll even let you take the credit…"

"EEP!"

Apparently Sasha had discovered a _very _sweet spot. Tamaki's face was getting redder and redder before he cracked and began to beg.

"Harry-san, please, just get her off, please!"

Chuckling slightly, Harry reached over to get a hold of Sasha, but being in a somewhat inebriated state managed to stumble slightly and land on Sasha's tail.

Let it not be said that Sasha was a tamed snake, because in a flash she had turned and aimed a bite at the offending arm. Except she was also drunk, and had poor aim; and if Harry had the heart to be honest with her, she was more than a little spoiled.

And thus she managed to knock herself out on the table leg.

On the plus side, Tamaki was full of praises about how Harry had taken on a dangerous snake, tempted the snake to bite him so as to save Tamaki. Such chivalrous and gentlemanly deeds for a commoner!

And who was he to deny Tamaki when he insisted that he come over the next day to see how he was doing? After all Harry must be shaken up to have his faithful pet turn on him in such a way. Since Suoh-san was coming over to visit, then why not come for lunch, Harry was off work and cooking anyway. And before the others could even begin to understand what had happened, a lunch date had been set.

And it was only when Harry was back in his flat, and the door was shut that Sasha opened her eyes and grinned her snaky grin.

Harry raised a celebratory beer glass to her, "to the best wingman a bloke could ask for."

**A/N- if you had a giggle please review!**


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